old relationshps, new challenges

so, in the last 24 hours, I've heard from an old love (my first from over 30 years ago) with whom I had in the last year or so reestablished an internet friendship and then was saddened to learn he had "unestablished" it in the last month or so. We had, I thought, decided to just "wish each other well" and move on and in a turn-around, or so I think, a phone call and 4 emails await me. Questions from him about my son, progress on my weight loss /exercise efforts (or lack thereof), with a "I've called you twice this week, no response from you, now it's your turn" sign off.

Why?

Not only "why" is he doing this, but "why" am I so willing to try to rationalize that my understanding must have been, in fact, MY MISunderstanding. Why, indeed...

I have so much work to do today. To dwell on this is to avoid doing that which I must do, so sometimes, and this is one of those cases, the best course of action is to NOT take any action, so my old high school boyfriend's turn-around will have to wait to be addressed later.

I read from time to time a blog from a woman in Wellfleet, MA who has experienced more than most people could have dealt with in 20 lifetimes. So many times I have almost gone on and posted regarding some of the emotional similarities and, in some cases, some actual circumstances. I thanked her today, just for sharing, and wanted her to know that I applaud her strength and courage.

Ah, internet: another source of strength. It is my hope that I can gain from theuse of this blog and, perhaps, when I gain a little more courage of my own and can contribute more freely, to help others in similar circumstances as well.

Who am I and why am I here Internet?

I was in my late 30's when I had my son. At the time, filled with first-time mom worries and the knowledge that a long lifespan was not in the family genes, I prayed that God would see fit to let me live until I was 50. That way, in my post-natal fog I figured, I would at least be around for his first 20 years. Well, that was well over 20 years ago and I have passed the 50-mark by a year plus. Hence, the phrase: the bonus years.

The challenge ahead: making these years count!

I was reading through some old emails from a year ago and realized that I'm stuck, like a mouse on a wheel, with some old behaviors.

This blog site will be introspective, reflective, and hopefully, inspire me to make sure I really live life to the fullest and learn from past experiences.